Healing A Fracture: Marriage And Divorce In India

Imagine a world where marriage is a sacred bond, not a tool of oppression. Where divorce is a rare and difficult decision, not a weapon wielded against women (sometimes even by them). Unfortunately, for many women (often men as well), reality falls far short of this ideal. Marriage is considered a sacred bond in all religions. It is celebrated as a festival across the world and communities. A lot has been written on this topic. Therefore, we will be looking at its evil opposite – divorce.

The reality of marriages falls short of it being presumed as a sacred bond. We found out in our interactions with communities of Lucknow and Maharashtra that often the marriage only continues due to society, children and family pressure. Such marriages are marred with domestic violence, abuse and sexual assaults. A marriage is a dichotomous relationship.

Introduction

In India this becomes more complex as numerous factors merit it. Cases of extreme violence due to dowry, beauty, stereotypes, expectations, upfront personality etc. are more common than we imagine. Once the marriages ‘dis-balances’ i.e. falls of the ‘normal’ track, and after every other option has been exhausted then divorce comes into the picture. In the name of family’s honour, stability and peace, innumerable women suffer daily humiliation and constant erosion of self esteem.

In this piece we would be focusing on Muslim and Hindu community only. The Hindu perspective on divorce is that it is to be avoided at all costs. They are pressured at making their relationships work out without space to move out. The lack of texts on the topic comparing the number of texts on marriage also signifies that divorce is not considered as a viable option. Islam says that divorce should be the last resort and they have two types of divorce – irreconcilable and reconcilable. Here we are not criticizing any specific group, religion, caste, or creed, but rather trying to focus on a larger, essential part of our population: women.

Why Not Divorce?

Marriage, unfortunately, becomes like a big exploitation spiral for the community we work with. Often arranged in difficult situations such as financial pressure, societal pressure, stereotypes, and ancient thinking. Divorce though the last resort comes with its fair share of societal stigma.

In our conversations with women, we found that they are in least favor of divorce in any kind of marriage. In an unhappy marriage, why don’t they leave, is easier said than done.

Reasons why run away from divorce.

1. First and most importantly in our conversations, we found out that it is because of the indoctrination of certain ideals or fantasies of how beautiful and pious are marriages and how people behave in this dreamy supposedly god-made bond. The sole purpose is to get married and the concept of divorce and separation is demonised. There lacks many good divorce examples around them. 
2. Secondly, the urgency in the marriage especially for women due to them being considered as a burden and something that if shifts home would also take her problems away. This also arises as women are not considered for anything other than household work.
3. Thirdly, there is not a lot of investment made on their quality education, which would have otherwise made them to stand by themselves.
4. Lack of education, subsequent low-confidence leaves them no standing at the job market. Without any steady source of income they find themselves dependent on their husband’s for their needs. 
5. Most women said that once they have been married their own family asks them to maintain the marriage at all costs and that they are well-aware that they won’t be welcomed and supported at their maiden homes. Due to lack of any other places to go for support they end up trying to survive in their ‘chal rahi’ (going on) marriage.
6. Legal lax, the judicial system is very slow and outdated in terms of divorce. If the divorce is not mutual then the onus of proving that something is seriously wrong in the marriage falls on the applicant. It especially strengthens the stereotypes around divorces when courts observe that  consumer culture of “use and throw” appears to have influenced our matrimonial relationships, influenced by west. Going to court is also avoided specially by men as a legal divorce would mean alimony, child custody in most cases. 

Niqah And Talaq

Niqah, the Islamic marriage contract, symbolizes love, commitment, and partnership, bringing joy and unity to couples. Talaq (divorce), has devastating consequences, especially for women. Talaq shatters a woman’s world, leaving her vulnerable and destitute. The trauma ravages her mental and physical health, affecting her family too. Every third family that we met has a young woman, barely 18-25 years old, reeling from the aftermath of Talaq. Their lives, barely begun, are already marred by the trauma of rejection and abandonment. 

Case Studies

Bano, now a 20 year old has a child of one and half years. She was married at the age of 17, her husband Shoaib was 24 at the time. During her pregnancy itself she had to go through divorce. She initiated the divorce due to discomfort, violence, she did not feel safe. Her family was not supportive, apart from the social shame, financial burden was an important reason. There was no knowledge from where nutrition for child would be attained. She felt hopeless as she found herself to be dependent on her husband and family. 

Zarin had a love marriage at 20 and had three children. The husband had an extra marital affair and later got married to his second wife, giving the religious freedom as a pretext. He then offered triple-talaq. She had moved out with her youngest son and now she wants the custody of her two daughters as well. According to scriptures, till the wife doesn’t accept the divorce, it is not presumed to be completed. 

Fatima’s mother has a triple talaq at the age of 35 with 7 children. The reason for Talaq was that the husband wanted to have a second wife. The trauma from the divorce caused her psychological disorder. Fatima shares that she could not overcome the pain of separation. Women tend to keep looking for faults within themselves due to dependency. 

Quran And Hadith

The Quran and Hadith (Islamic scriptures) have been interpreted in various ways, and some interpretations have been used to justify practices like Talaq, which can be detrimental to women’s rights and well-being. However, some Islamic scholars and feminist activists argue that these interpretations are not in line with the true spirit of Islam, which emphasizes justice, equality, and compassion.

These stories highlights certain reasons such as using of religious scriptures as a shield, non-protection under law. The irony is that Islamic teachings emphasize compassion, justice, and equality. However, the distortion of these principles has led to a skewed practice that prioritizes male dominance over female well-being. It’s crucial to acknowledge and address this disconnect, ensuring that the beautiful concepts of Islam are not hijacked by patriarchal interpretations.

Hindu Marriage

Rekha was married at 17 due to family conditions. Third of five sisters in a family without any male figure. Therefore the family rushed her marriage. The man was already married with a kid, which he kept hidden till he got married to Rekha. Living this dual life, with domestic violence – Rekha decided to come back to her home. She came back to face constant bickering about increased financial burden, social pressure, name calling and getting outcasted. She is 33 now, cannot remarry, has constant panic attacks, finds herself to be dependent. After her entire life of being under confident, always doing what other told her to now she is in the process of trying to find herself back.

Dimple got married when she was in 8th standard. According to her cousin sisters, she was not considered to be up to the societal beauty standards. Marriage was conducted within the extended family. She was 16 and there were five daughters in a joint family. Constantly hearing comments from her in-laws for being dark skinned; there was domestic violence of extreme levels.

A Single Woman Is A Sinner

In our society a single woman is treated as a sinner. They are looked down upon, stereotyped as the other woman and someone from whom wives should protect their husbands. The concept of ‘family unit’ is so fierce in our society that getting past it or even doing some adjustments like divorce raises eyebrows. Divorce is considered as against the Indian culture and civilization itself. Statements by the supreme court point in the same direction, such as saying that divorces have increased in our country due to western influence and because youths are now doing love marriages.

According to the census 2011, 1.36 million people in India are divorced. That is equivalent to 0.24% of the married population, and 0.11% of the total population. The number of people separated is almost thrice the number of people divorced – 0.61% of the married population and 0.29% of the total population.

Exceptions, Not Norms

The treatment and tabooing of the divorce concept is across socio-economic class however, the divorce rate has doubled in the last decade, especially in the urban set-up due to being educates, financially well off and being aware of the laws there is newly found social acceptance. Such as various celebrity divorces and in some cases people celebrate divorces as well, like south Indian actress Shalini did with a photoshoot.

It is found that married women commit higher number of suicide, according to national institute of health (NIH) women who were married accounted for 63.1% of all suicides during 2014-2020. The pressure of maintaining a relationship and expectations are often on the females from families involved, relatives and society that when they feel trapped, they do not find help from anywhere. The concept of free will is seen as an indulgence and women are especially raised with the virtue of sacrifice and ultimate compassion that giving up on a relation is not even an option.

Way Forward

Education: Being educated is the primary necessity that has to be fulfilled in order to be aware about the rights, laws and rationalization. It would also provide them with options and act as a support in figuring out.

Employment: According to the World Report, 2022, only 20% of women get paid for their work and 80% of women depend on male figures in the family.  There exists a wide mobility gap between genders. According to a study ,’Gender gap in mobility outside home in urban India’ by Rahul Goel, it was found that around 50% of women hardly ever step out of their homes. If the women are self-dependent, they have paid employment and therefore are financially independent they would be able to make better choices for themselves. It would also boost their self-confidence and standing in the society. 

A Private Affair: Unlike western cultures, marriages are not individual commitments but there is deep involvement of families from both sides. Everyone has so much stake in making it last. Hence when a marriage fails, families also consider it a failure of themselves. This also creates less space for prioritizing personal happiness and needs. So, less involvement of family might mean more space for the couple to decide their fates. 

Couple’s Therapy: For this much normalization of therapy has to happen, currently therapy is mostly associated when the situation goes extremely bad. But couples therapy from an earlier stage might help in stabilizing the relationship and in some cases diluting the consequences of divorce or separation on the family as the family in India is society’s basic structure and a support system. 

Divorce Laws: The divorce laws in India seems antiquated as the divorce needs to be filed on the same grounds (adultery, desertion and cruelty) otherwise the onus of proving that the divorce is being filed by the person as he or she is being mentally and physically abused falls on the applicant. 

Remarriage: It is seen that it is easy for a divorced man to move on and find a new partner, but for a woman it becomes almost impossible. Finding a partner becomes difficult as potential partners want a ‘pure, virgin woman’. When a man remarries, he marries for family but if a woman wishes or remarries, comments of experiments, use and throw are heard. Remarriage should be normalized so that they also get to have a fulfilling relationship.

In Conclusion

The Indian measure of a happy and good marriage is by its longevity and that is unfair to people in it and families. Most toxic marriages still show the façade of joy for the sake of children, in-laws. However, an environment with constant aggression, violence, bickering is harmful for children and everyone’s mental health.

Marriage shouldn’t be made an endurance test.

With increase in working and financially independent women, divorce matrimonial sites and other dating options, the society is becoming little accommodating. The court giving cooling off period (of six months) is understandable because a lot of time the decision might be taken in a rush of emotions but legal support and execution needs amendments to make the process less challenging and more accessible. However, it needs a lot of other parts of this complex Indian system to change itself to make space for ‘moving out’.